Waiting on Wisdom

The Fate of My Blog

2009-12-17T09:00:00.004-05:00

So.

We've reached that special time of year known as The Last Week of the Semester when my brain is a pile of mush, I'm horrendously sleep-deprived and I've completely lost the ability to form a coherent sentence.

In an attempt to recover my sanity and normal sleeping habits, I will be taking a break from my blog.

I do plan on returning because I've developed an attachment to my blog.

I like it.

It's fun (to write, at least).

And I have more to say about being a waitress and all of the wonderful things I learn at my job.

But as a result of writing what seems like 8,000 papers over the past few weeks, my laptop and I need some time apart.

The Vinyl Diner by splorp

Waitress Round-Up: Sopranos, Sleazes, and a Silly Golfer

2009-12-07T09:00:00.002-05:00

Ridiculously naive waitress has affair with Tiger Woods, but who hasn't?

It's always a good sign when your boyfriend is closer in age to Grandma than to you.

After being a waitress at Pizza Hut for six years, Leigh Coggins is an understudy for the lead in Les Mis. A waitress becoming famous without having an affair?! Unheard of.

Apparently Lady Gaga was a waitress, which some how leads into her desire to have children. Can hermaphrodites even have kids?

90 year-old celebrates 70th anniversary as a waitress.

There is approximately a four second time frame in which you can leave a check at a table without angering everyone at the table.

Best Burger Neon by arbyreed

Jesse James: Bikes and Burgers

2009-12-02T09:00:00.001-05:00

He may not be a waitress but Jesse James has got the multi-tasking thing down.

A while back, I posted a video of Sandra Bullock talking about her waitressing days. As it turns out, the man of my her dreams has his own organic burger joint, in addition to owning West Coast Choppers and having his own T.V. show.

How relevant is this to waitressing? Not very, but much like Jell-O, there's always room for Jesse James.

Image via tvguide.com

The I.W.H.M.T.T.W.L. Game

2009-12-01T09:00:00.014-05:00

On really slow nights, which has been every night I've worked for the past month or two, I play the I-Wonder-How-Much-That-Table-Will-Leave game (I.W.H.M.T.T.W.L). I suck a great deal at this game because the tables I think will leave awful tips end up leaving very good tips and vice versa.

However, I've had a revelation which I will now enlighten you with:
Stereotypes (and flat-out judging people) aren't always true and believing them to be true guarantees that you will lose I.W.H.M.T.T.W.L.

-All old people aren't cheap and they understand inflation.

-Just because a mom is missing a front tooth doesn't mean she won't leave at least a 20% tip. (True story--lovely family, cute kid!)

-High-school and college-age kids are usually among the highest tippers. If they don't have enough money to leave what they think is an adequate tip they apologize and explain why they can't leave more.

When you don't tip by justin_a_glass

Waitress Round-Up: Whining, the Waitress-Wiggle and A Woman with "Appendicitis"

2009-11-30T09:00:00.034-05:00

XBox junkies can try their hand at waiting tables with Diner Dash.

The Queen of the waitress-wiggle retires.

German waitress goes to hospital for appendicitis and leaves with "the best Christmas [she] can think of."

Rough night waiting tables? You're not the only one.

A waitress dishes on a Cooper/Zellweger date.

The heroine of Disney's latest fairy-tale is a hard-working waitress.

Modern Snack Bar - Now with Turnips! by Kurt Christensen

A Mystery As Old As Time...Kinda

2009-11-25T09:00:00.002-05:00

If someone could solve this mystery for me it would be greatly appreciated:

Why do people choose to sit at a dirty table when there is an entire restaurant full of clean ones?

I clear tables as quickly as I can to ensure customers don't have to sit among someone else's half-eaten food and debris.

I think it's gross to have to sit at a dirty table but, apparently, that's just me.

Last Friday, a man walked in and sat at a table with a bloody napkin on it; every other table was clean and the restaurant was empty except for one lingering table of old folk.

You don't sit a table with a bloody napkin!

You look down, see the nasty, offending object, say to yourself, "Hmmm. That's gross. I may have just gotten sick in my mouth a little. I do not want to sit here."

ketchup mustard fries by limonada

A Flashback...

2009-11-24T09:00:00.016-05:00

Holiday in Handcuffs isn't Melissa Joan Hart's first go-round as a waitress.

I don't know if I'm more disgusted that I momentarily forgot about this video or that I remembered it.

Waitress Round-Up: Cut-Offs, Coffee-Shop Volunteers, and Carver

2009-11-23T09:00:00.037-05:00

Couple arrested for not paying mandatory tip because their waitress sucked at life.

Raymond Carver: good writer, horrendous customer.

A waiter reveals some deep, dark trade secrets. Read. Enjoy. Take notes.

Note to self: leave the cut-offs and halter-tops for after-work hours so as not to confuse customers.

Note to customers: suggesting other people come to a restaurant does not count as a tip.

Out of the goodness of their hearts, the topless waitresses at the Grand View coffee shop "volunteered to work just for tips."

All-American Pastime by Maia C

Liveblog: Holiday in Handcuffs

2009-11-22T20:02:00.046-05:00

9:56 "Doing one crazy thing does make you crazy but it can also make you happy." Good defense, Trud!

9:53 Only ABC Family could make kidnapping seem so disgustingly romantic. Or Lifetime or the Hallmark Channel.

9:49 "The corrosive nature of silence will eat away at you...." Uplifting, really and truly.

9:47 Holy therapy rant, Trud.

9:44 Why is the maid in a wedding dress? Was I just not paying attention?

9:41 The waitresses have a headband for every holiday!

9:38 Grandma's kind of a hussy.

9:32 The drunk mom is quite funny.

9:28 Somebody likes crazy ol' Trud!

9:25 Really?! A Santa's-naughty-helper outfit and a feather duster? ABC Family is getting quite risque.

9:22 Awwww fake snow. It wouldn't be a Christmas movie without it.

9:16 Well, the whole proposal thing is a little unexpected.
9:11 "It's the way of the modern world, you boink a whole lot of people, you don't just pick one and hope for the best." Classy Mom.

9:08 Deep Lopez, deep. The "my-parents-are-dead" line always gets the girl.

9:07 Trud seems to have a never-ending collection of awful hats.

9:00 Oooooooh I think Trud and Lopez just had a moment.

8:58 "A federal offense probably puts you on the naughty list this year."

8:52 Oh no you didn't Mario Lopez! There's nothing wrong with a degree in the arts and it doesn't mean you end up at a fast food joint, you greasy-haired bitch.

8:50 Was anyone else aware there is a third Santa Clause movie because I most certainly was not.

8:46 Trud may be crazy but this Jessica chick is an airhead.

8:44 I love June Lockhart.

8:40 Never trust a man in plaid pants. Whoa, this movie is quite dirty with the extra virgin olive oil and the old man at the gas station gyrating in a nauseating fashion.

8:38 For the love of God the girl's off her rocker. Who smashes the only phone in the house?

8:36 Oh! My nervous breakdowns generally happen at work too! Also: "You can't keep him. He's not a puppy." Funny.

8:34 Why is there a countdown to the countdown until Christmas? That's awfully redundant.

8:28 Bunk beds!? Awesome. And flannel jammies with little scottie dogs, I don't know why ol' Trud can't keep a guy.

8:26 No wonder Trudie is so whacked, who the hell says no cell phones over Christmas?
8:20 Whoa Trudie is one crazy, dirty waitress from Taj's Diner Deluxe. Great name for a restaurant; I'd want to eat there.

8:15 A scarf as a blindfold, pantyhose to tie his hands together...I think Sabrina's done this kidnap-a-random-customer thing before. Also, I should stop calling her Sabrina, I believe her name is Trudie.

8:12 Why do the crazy girls always have to have curly hair? It's an unfair stereotype and only mildly true.

8:10 So Mario Lopez has a very limited range of acting skills: all arrogant pretty boy all the time.

8:05 Oooooh sweet Christmas dress, Sabrina...ANTLERS! I love this movie already. I'm going to suggest to my boss that we wear antlers for the holiday season. Perhaps alternated with a Menorah headband as to not offend anyone.

8:03 Little Pooty?! What? Why? How Come?

8:02 Any movie that begins with "I'm not crazy" and has the tagline "She's bringing home the perfect boyfriend...even if it's a federal offense" has to be good. Right?

In preparation for the rapidly approaching holiday season, I'll be watching ABC Family's Holiday in Handcuffs starring Melissa Joan Hart and Mario Lopez. Melissa is a waitress and that's why I can blog about the movie here. Well, that and it's my blog so I can do whatever I want.

Holiday in Handcuffs Liveblog

2009-11-20T10:14:00.002-05:00

To ring in the holiday season, I will be liveblogging the ABC Family movie Holiday in Handcuffs at 8pm on November 22nd.

This wonderful TV movie is a throw back to the glory days of two teen stars: Melissa Joan Hart and Mario Lopez. Hart stars as a slightly unstable waitress who kidnaps Lopez to bring home to her family and pass off as her fiancee.

What crazy antics could possibly ensue?! I'm sure you can guess as all TV movies are the same but tune in any way and watch me watch Sabrina and Slater shack-up and relive their glory days.

Negative Effects of Multi-Tasking

2009-11-20T09:00:00.006-05:00

According to this Wired article on the effects of multi-tasking, I'm fundamentally screwed.

The article talks about a study which found that multi-tasking can negatively effect memory, the processing of information and how quickly a person can jump from task to task.

Informative? Yes.

Terrifying? Most absolutely.

One of the first things I learned as a waitress was how to multi-task. As proof of my rapidly deteriorating memory and mind, I give you this little tale:

I'm god-awful at writing while asking a question or listening to someone else give their order. I end up writing down part of what the first person ordered and part of what I'm trying to remember to ask the customer.

What comes out are weird, nonsensical Freudian order slips that give the guys in the kitchen even more reason to laugh at me.

My personal favorite was when I only wrote "hot" on a slip from a call-in order and then forgot what it was supposed to be. My boss spent a good ten minutes trying to jog my memory, as if I were a little kid that decided to play hide-and-seek with the car keys and forgot where I hid them.

In a frustrated, last-ditch effort to get me to remember the order, she went down the menu and read me things that included the word "hot," until I said, "OH! Yeah! That's it; that one! Hot Wings, it was hot wings!"

table setup, Silver Skillet Restaurant, 200 14th Street NW, Atlanta Georgia by lumierefl

Sandra Bullock Out Waitresses Ruby

2009-11-19T09:00:00.008-05:00

Around 2:00 Sandra Bullock and Ruby Wax have a conversation about who was a better waitress in their past, un-famous lives.

Ruby's forces her superior waitressing history on Sandra and an amusing waitress-off ensues. Enjoy.

Why Old People Shouldn't Have Kids

2009-11-17T15:22:00.008-05:00

In a previous post, I talked about kids and how annoyed I get when their parents don't make any attempt to keep them in control.

I didn't really differentiate between what types of parents let their kids run the show and which control their darlings with an icy glance and a softly-muttered death threat. After watching a whole lot of parent/ child interactions, I've noticed that the older parents are, the worse behaved their children are.

There seems to be an ever-growing trend in which people choose to have kids later and later in life. Maybe the trend started in Hollywood with celebrity moms like Joan Lunden and Geena Davis having kids in their late forties and early fifties. Maybe people have simply become more career-oriented and want to wait until they have established careers before they start a family.
Whatever the reasons for this trend, I can't help but notice the difference in parenting styles of older and younger parents.

I define "younger" parents as being in their mid-twenties to early thirties; they usually have two or three kids and aren't afraid to discipline them. The kids are almost always well-behaved: they say please and thank you, wait patiently for their food and listen when their parents tell them not to do something.

One of the only parents to ever follow through with their threat to leave if their child didn't stop yelling/crying/being obnoxious was a man and his wife who were probably in their late twenties. The father calmly explained to his young daughter that if she didn't stop crying they were going to leave because they were disturbing other customers. The girl didn't stop so her daddy picked her up and walked out. The mother apologized, picked up their things and left.

And that is exactly how parents should deal with their rowdy little darlings when in a restaurant.

However, on the other side of the parental spectrum, we have the older parents. I define "older" parents as being in their forties or older. These parents typically drive a Volvo, Saab, or Volkswagen and have only one child. There are a brave few who have two children, but never any more.

Rather than disciplining their child they suggest that the demon-spawn stop yelling and ignore the child's behavior, assuming that I'll find it cute.

"I don't like it when you throw things," the parent might say, "It makes me sad and I think you should think about stopping."

Kids who have older parents rarely say "Can I please have," when they order but almost always, "I want." They avoid eye contact with me, the lowly waitress. After they order, the parent looks slightly embarrassed and says something like, "Remember, we say please" and then begins their own order with "I want."

There's always a weird distance between older parents and their child. Whereas younger parents will play tic-tac-toe on the placements with their kids while they wait for their food, older parents spend the time sitting quietly, staring into space as their little darling attacks a near-by table with a toy dinosaur.

I don't know why this distance exists between the older parent and their child; maybe they haven't quite fully adjusted to having a child thrown into the mix of their daily lives. Maybe they're silently counting to ten, hoping the kid will sit back down on his own.

I'm sure these older parents have perfectly logical reasons for waiting until later in life to have kids. It makes sense to want to feel financially secure and have an established career before you have a child; in theory, it seems like the responsible thing to do.

However, older parents seem to be in a state of shock when the little one starts screeching like a wounded animal or throws a fit because their hot dog isn't the size they're used to. Older parents seem to be afraid of disciplining their child because they don't want to make the child more angry.

A New York Times article says that older parents are "more rational and are more relaxed with their children."

Sure, but is this always a good thing?

It seems like older parents have confused "more relaxed" with "lack of discipline."

convo with glasses by hermitsmoores'

Waitress Round-Up: Loud Mouths, Lovely Models and Large Groups of Hellish Women

2009-11-16T09:00:00.045-05:00

Loud waitresses exemplify Americans' hearts of gold for an English import. Damn straight, bloke, and don't forget to leave a tip in American money, none of that "pound" crap.

A waitress from Kentucky is a finalist for American's Next Top Model.

First lesson in Waitressing 101: Find a way to blame everything on the cook, or his girlfriend.

"Waitress" is only her cover. Her real job is being a lightening-fast superhero who saves the world from bad tippers and cranky, deaf old-men who scream at waitresses.

The world almost lost out on Norah Jones' talent because of corn muffins. And her startling stupidity

Jim says that waiting on a large group of woman is hell. I agree. Assuming he doesn't tell the large group of women this to their faces, Jim is a smart man. [via Kristi Gustafson]

Dr Wells Soda by E>mar

Served with More Than a Smile: a Link Round-Up [Lizzie]

2009-11-09T09:00:00.052-05:00

This blog, dedicated to those unfamiliar with the business end of waitressing, helpfully points out several things a customer should not do when dealing with waiters/-tresses. Good for those who are wanting in the area of social skill. [thanks, Becca!]

In fact, some waitresses might even do well to heed the advice included above. Perhaps it would save them from behaving wildly inappropriately -- although I'm pretty sure proper social etiquette is simply a life skill this particular waitress seems to be lacking.

The thought of inappropriate behavior actually calls to mind this lovely website as well. Ah, the gentle art of demeaning one's self-worth! It never gets old.

Although waitresses are famed for knowing what boys like, it's still rather disconcerting to see them act as though they're willing to be considered pieces of meat. It also probably doesn't reflect well on the establishment for which they're working -- unless, of course, they're employed as a saloon waitress. Or, you know, a prostitute.

[Image via BuyCostumes]

Waiting on Walmart [Lizzie]

2009-11-08T23:18:00.000-05:00

Well, I've arrived. Lizzie is in the proverbial hizouse. I can't say that I have a lot of experience with the service industry, aside from the fact that one of my favorite television shows centers -- rather unrealistically, admittedly -- around a small-town waitress.

Despite my utter lack of service skills, I do enjoy being waited upon, so I suppose that justifies my being here. I hope I can offer you all a glimpse into the life of The Served rather than The Server.

With that said, welcome to the perspective of a self-entitled customer.

I'm Off to the Land of Robots

2009-11-08T11:32:00.001-05:00

This week I'll be blogging at And I'll Form the Heads. Sometimes you just need a break from the waitressing scene and what better topic to talk about than robots?!

Lizzie, of The Walmart Novels, will be blogging for me. She is hysterical and I'm sure will do some fantastic things here at Waiting on Wisdom. No pressure Lizzie! Have fun and enjoy the politically correct wit and humor that is Lizzie.

robots by Laurie

What I Hate about Scents

2009-11-07T11:44:00.002-05:00

-They embed themselves in my clothes and hair and I smell like fried crap. Not enjoyable.

-In the summer some customers don't shower. It's really hot. They're sweaty; I get sick in my mouth a little.

-When slightly hungover, the wafting scents of chili dogs and sauerkraut don't help anything.

-If I haven't eaten all day, smelling the apple pie in the oven and all of the hot dinners I'm carrying out just makes me bitter and cranky.

Coney Island by joshbousel

Waiting on Customers

2009-11-06T09:00:00.002-05:00

After daylight-savings time people lock themselves in their houses because they don't want to go out in the dark, cold nastiness that comes with late fall and winter.

I'm forced to hang-out in an empty restaurant waiting for somebody to come in. I'm forced to lower my standards: customers that annoy the the hell out of me in the summer are welcomed with open arms in the winter.

Red Chairs by Shenghung Lin

What I Hate About Recycling

2009-11-05T15:43:00.003-05:00

It's a pain.

Iced tea containers don't conform to recycling rules. Why?

Are they really all that different from soda cans and bottles?

I have a hunch global warming can be traced back to the iced tea industry.

pause that refreshes from DCvision2006

Top Five Things Left on Tables

2009-11-04T11:36:00.001-05:00

I don't know if customers are forgetful or they just want to gross me out but here's a list of some of the odd things people leave on their tables:

1) A retainer
2) Chapstick
3) Debris from insulin needles (my favorite)
4) Baby's teething toys
5) Pictures of kids or boyfriends

STA_0819 by Jax23

In the Name of Florence Jean Castleberry

2009-11-03T16:36:00.004-05:00

Up until this post, I haven't really included my personality and opinions in my posts.

My original goal for this blog was to showcase all of the glorious extras that come with being a waitress, without bitching about customers, slandering co-workers and demonizing my bosses, as I've seen done in other waitressing blogs (and movies).

However, my blog-reading buds, I think this offend-no-one, just-give-the-cheery-waitressing-facts attitude has resulted in some less than stellar posts, that even I find boring to read.

My muse for starting this blog is Flo, of Alice fame, because of her kiss-my-grits attitude.

But what good is having the Goddess of Waitressing as your muse if you don't adapt a bit of her attitude?

So, in the name of Florence Jean Castleberry, I intend to add more of my opinions and personality into my posts and what better way to start than with some interview questions written by the coolest Ed fan ever:

Are you familiar with the vocal stylings of George Michael?

Boy am I ever! Just yesterday I was subtlety dancing around the restaurant to "Faith." Who doesn't like a little "Wake me up before you go-go" from time to time?

Have you ever swallowed any coins? If so, state the total amount of change ingested.

Nope. I did nearly choke on a yellow Spree once though. It was quite traumatizing.

What crime do you wish you could commit without consequences?
Hmmm. Good question, I don't think I've ever thought about it before. I guess I would say assault; sometimes you, and by you I mean me, want to smack a bitch for being annoying/dumb/rage-inducing...

Do you, or have you ever, Yahoo(ed)?

I used to be a devoted Yahooer but I'm more of a Google girl now because there aren't stories on the front page to distract me from my searches.

What is the most embarrassing nickname you have ever been given?
Becca-Boo. Enough said, next question.

Rats: cute pets or disgusting sewer-dwellers?
Creepy, disease ridden, sewer-dwellers. What freaks are keeping them as pets? Ostracize them immediately.

How do you eat an Oreo cookie?

In ridiculously large quantities.

What is the first thing that comes to mind when you hear "Detroit"?
Kid Rock and Eminem. Oh how I miss the late 90's and early 2000's.

Have you ever been sick on an amusement park ride?
I hate amusement park rides. The little kid rides can get pretty crazy though. I'm a fan of the Dumbo ride at the Great Escape; flying elephants are always fun.

What would be the title of the sitcom on which you were the star?
Watching Paint Dry with Friends? My life wouldn't make for an exciting sitcom, though my family could probably fill-out a season of Jerry Springer without much trouble.

image via Wonder's Never Cease

What I Hate About T.V.

2009-11-02T21:25:00.003-05:00

I'm a failure at watching T.V., everytime I find a show I like it either gets canceled or I end up working the night its on.

I'm too lazy to figure out what happens if I miss a week of a show so I just give up on it.

I'm a very dedicated person.

The only show I've managed to watch on a regular basis is My Fair Wedding, despite my usual hatred for all things wedding, guys wearing make-up and fake reality-T.V.-drama.

I have an odd fixation with My Fair Wedding and its host but I still hate planning my schedule around a T.V. show.

I guess I have a love/hate relationship with T.V.

Swamp TV by James Good

Waitress Round-Up: Lotto Winners, Life-Savers and Lofty Tippers

2009-11-02T09:00:00.003-05:00

Staff of Michigan restaurant wins lottery. And goes back to work. Silly, just silly.

Jay-Z and Beyonce are fantastic tippers. Or they don't think $500 is a lot of money.

Sanitary waitress saves customer's life.

~~Creepy.~~ Hooray for technology and 100 free burgers?

Creepy.

Talented? Yes. Attentive? Nope, not a bit.

"Do not compliment a guest’s attire or hairdo or makeup. You are insulting someone else."
This is crap but there are 49 other useful tips for restaurant employees.

The Crown Restaurant by Curtis Gregory Perry

Drinks for the Seasons: A Top 10

2009-11-01T22:11:00.008-05:00

I get annoyed when people order hot chocolate in the middle of July and lemonade during a blizzard.

Here's a quick list of my favorite season-appropriate drinks:

Spring and Summer:

- Strawberry Lemonade

- Peach Iced Tea

- Strawberry Daiquiri

- Ice Water

- Any Slushie-like drink

Fall and Winter:

- White Hot Chocolate

- Apple Cider

- Coffee

- Ginger Ale and Jameson

- Hot Peppermint Tea

Morning Wisp by metrognome0

Boss Quotes

2009-10-29T15:56:00.006-04:00

I love my boss.

She insists we treat her like any other co-worker and only pulls the boss card when things really get out of hand.

And most importantly she's hilarious. She's in her early sixties which makes some of the things that come out of her mouth even more entertaining:

"What?! He wants two sausages?! No, that's too much. Tell him he can have one and if he finishes it I'll make him another one."
Expressing her motherly concern that a customer won't be able to finish all he has ordered.

"What are you a pussy?! It's only a little rain; take the damn garbage out!"
In a jovial manner to the oh-so-masculine guys in the kitchen when they point out the nasty weather. Her husband, the co-boss, flushes with pride and says, "Hell of a woman isn't she?"

"Sure. Sure those things are handmade. By some little kid in China."
To a customer who asked if the Christmas decorations in the front window were made by hand. I had to retreat to the kitchen because I was laughing so hard.

"Here's $50 for your birthday. Use it to do something with your hair that looks half-way decent. The customers are starting to complain."
To my co-worker who has recently gotten a Cruella De Vil-inspired hairstyle.

city chairs by nuanc

Waitress Round-Up: Roller Skates, a Rolling Stone and a Really Bad Song

2009-10-29T09:00:00.031-04:00

It's a check not a fortune cookie for god's sake. "Thank You" will suffice.

Jazz singer arrested after finding a screw in her soup. Good chance it came from the manager who called her "silly" four times.

Damn teenage, Russian, cocktail waitress, ruining a Rolling Stone's spotless reputation.

Veteran waitress Mama Reptile dies in a car crash.

Waitress "loves the new Wal-Mart." Shockingly, the story isn't from the south.

Joanna Clay wrote a story with a forgetful, roller-skating waitress.

Linda Lavin, one-time waitress, will be on Broadway in the spring.

Bad waitress, no tip.

The Palm Beach Waitress had some awesomely famous customers, kinda.

Terrible song. Nice Paint skills.

Dane Cook baffled by flustered waitress. Funny, unless you've ever been Dane Cook's waitress, then you probably hate him.

Eat at Spiffy's Diner by JustUptown

Dear Lily:

2009-10-27T12:28:00.050-04:00

Until you kindheartedly hit me with your cane, I hadn't realized just how much I like you, Lil.

If you hadn't scolded me for not wishing you a happy birthday a few months ago, I never would've guessed you were 90.

I was thinking late-seventies at best: you drive to the restaurant every Saturday night and you have never come close to crashing through the plate-glass window because you confused the gas and brake.

And you always remember my name, which is impressive since my mother has a rough time with it.

Lil, you get a special pass to beat me with your cane because you're like my very own Betty White.

You're adorable in an elderly-woman way and you say things that old people aren't supposed to say, which makes me laugh hysterically.

I really enjoyed the night you were trying to get your dining companion to try your apple crisp and he kept protesting, so you used your outdoor voice to say:

"Oh, just shut up and try it already!"

At that very moment I decided I love you and you can get away with whatever you'd like.

i'll have the same by diabetesisfun

It's a Living

2009-10-23T09:00:00.026-04:00

It's a Living: An '80's sitcom about waitresses working in an upscale restaurant while wearing classy red spandex.

This may be the worst theme song I've ever heard which guarantees it will be stuck in my head for days.

Skills and Abilities I've Acquired While Waitressing

2009-10-20T14:30:00.003-04:00

-The ability to carry three drinks and four to five sets of silverware in one hand

Efficient, yes, but I look like Edward Scissorhands minus the horrific eyeliner. The hair is about the same though.

-Feign concern after dropping a sloppy sandwich on a customer's silk tie

     I ~~have midget arms~~ missed the cut-off for being a legal midget by, like, three inches -- my arms don't reach all the way to the end of a table. Sometimes I have to fling a basket across the table frisbee-style. It doesn't always end well.

-Multi-task like a champ!
    On a busy night it costs me my sanity but I've gotten pretty good at waiting tables, answering the phone, clearing and cleaning tables and getting drinks. And smiling lots.

-Make change
    I'm absolutely not a numbers girl, sometimes reading a clock with hands is strenuous for me, but through the glory of serving others, I've learned how to ball-park what the change should be. I still really like my calculator though.

-Spell "spaghetti" and "lasagna"
    Generally, I can spell but Italian words always get me; those are pretty much the only two I've gotten down.

Breakfast at Bridget's

2009-10-19T11:31:00.003-04:00

I was wrong. Waitressing is indeed a career.

Beverly Fortune wrote a story for Kentucky.com that profiles Bridget Field, a 62 year old coffee-counter waitress at a Bob Evans restaurant, as well as other career waitresses; it's a little cheesy but it's a heart warmer.

The article is longer than a normal human interest story but I was sucked in after reading when Bridget tried to retire her customers signed a petition stating they would go to her house for breakfast if she left the restaurant.

Sure, you could look at it as people forcing a senior citizen to keep working despite her arthritic knees but this depressing take doesn't seem to be how Fields views things: she says she loves her customers and her career.

I mentioned in my last post that I work in a small restaurant and there were some differences between working for a chain restaurant and working in an independently owned restaurant.

But after reading about Bridget, who works for a restaurant chain, I think there's more to it than who owns the restaurant. The difference between waitress' who see their source of income as a job versus those who see it as a career is the relationship they develop with their customers.

Waitress vs. Server

2009-10-16T09:00:00.010-04:00

While I was enjoying a lovely dinner with a few of my friends, one mentioned she was still a server at Friendly's. It was only an off-handed comment, but it bothered me the rest of the night.

I've never once referred to myself as a "server" or been called a server. I guess that's the difference between working for a corporate chain like Friendly's and working at a small, independently owned restaurant, like I do.

I find I spend much more time at work waiting than serving: waiting for customers to come in, waiting for food to be ready, waiting for customers to make up their minds, waiting to go home....

"Server" sounds like you should curtsy before the table and submit yourself to the customers every whim and desire.

I suppose it's all just a matter of preference but "waitress" sounds better and is a more fitting than "server."

waiting tables ain't that bad by 365bunnies

Waitress Round-Up

2009-10-15T09:00:00.008-04:00

I'm eternally grateful for the boring, elderly crowd that makes up by regular customer base. If Story 1 ever happens with them I will quit on the spot and pour bleach in my eyes.

Dennis Thompsett seems like a jerk: he says by accepting tips waitresses are taking charity. He suggests tipping people "who really need it," like those who are "shunned in social circles," i.e. Thompsett the next time he walks into a restaurant.

A pregnant waitress jumps out of a deer's way after it crashes through a window. Who knew there were deer in the middle of Detroit?

A priest and a slew of imbibing senior-citizens walk into a 76 year old restaurant...

Any night that begins at the Humpty Doo Tavern can only end badly:

An Australian waitress is infuriated people are claiming her "amorous activities" caused a car crash. At least she's willing to see things from the public's view: "It may have looked bad when police first arrived as my girls were hanging out all over the place. I also had a $5 note wedged between my boobs so they probably thought I was a sex worker." This has "Fox Reality Show" written all over it.

Waitress stunned by stripper. Repeatedly. With a stun gun. The stripper is now on the run and won't have much of an issue hitching a ride.

Patry Francis wrote a poem about a klutzy, visionary of a waitress who leaves customers wanting their checks and sour cream to capture the muse know as Mother Nature.

Ellen Page plays a waitress who falls in love with the crazy world of roller derby in Whip It. It's every coming-of-age, good-girl-gone-bad movie you've ever seen but on wheels!

There's actually a real, non-Drew Barrymore directed, roller derby move called The Waitress. Bonnie D. Stroir calls it "an aggressive whipping blocking combination"; I'm busting this out if things get out of hand at work on Friday night.

Picture 1 - 2775 : One day, I met deer! #2 by sakura_chihaya
Picture 2 - Blown Out of Proportion by Fiona Morrison
Picture 3 - Houston Roller Derby by Sirtrentalot

To Overly Inquisitive Customers:

2009-10-12T10:45:00.005-04:00

I appreciate your interest in my life. Really, I do.

At first I thought it was nice that you wanted to know where I go to school, where I live, what all of my hopes and dreams are.

But you think we have a close friendship; the kind where you can be brutally honest with me and I won't pour hot coffee in your lap. In some cases, I appreciate it, like if I have lettuce in my teeth.

However, best bud, making a disgusted face when I tell you I'm an English major but am not going to teach America's little darlings, won't get your drink refilled in a hurry.

I realize my life is direction-less at the moment.

You pointing it out to me, repeatedly, doesn't actually help.

Also, if the dining room is full and I look a bit flustered this is not the most opportune time to have a brainstorming session about my potential career paths.

If you happen to be my only customers on a slow night, I don't mind chatting about what I could possibly do in the future, while you munch on your salad and sandwiches. I don't mind hearing about your daughters who went to the same school as me.

I'm thrilled they're doing so well in their teaching jobs. I, however, don't do well with large numbers of kids unless there's a bottle of Benadryl handy.

Should you be among the crowd without children to gloat about, I don't mind looking at pictures of your new puppy. I realize they're your children--the family portrait on your sweatshirt indicates as much.

I do love hearing your latest stories about the crazy things the pups do but when there's a line of people behind you, impatiently waiting to be rung out, that's not such a good time for story-time.

If you haven't seen me in awhile, don't ask if I've been on vacation. Do I look like I've slept lately, let alone basked in the sun on a beach somewhere?

Just because you come in when I am not working doesn't mean I've been on vacation. Or been fired.
I'm not actually supposed to work 24/7 though it's happened that way when other waitresses walk out.

Picture 1- I made this cup of coffee and it danced for me by waɪ.tiː
Picture 2- Beauty Queen by San Diego Shooter

Artistic Renderings of Hellish Customers

2009-10-09T03:24:00.002-04:00

Anna Magnowska has a collection of customers-from-hell drawings that are hilarious.

My favorite part? They're done on order slips. Brilliant.

I wonder if her customers ever saw these flattering portraits of themselves? Doodling customers may not be the best idea for filling the ol' tip jar, but the pictures sure are funny!

Man Slippers

2009-10-07T21:47:00.004-04:00

A man came in for dinner tonight and he seemed like a pretty tough guy.

I asked him how he was doing and he responded, "I'll have a cup of coffee. She'll have a glass of water," gesturing towards his wife.

Well, all right sir.

I don't think he intended to be rude, he just didn't seem to be one for conversation, which is fine with me. As he was waiting for his dinner, he got up and walked around a bit.

I noticed he was wearing slippers.

My restaurant is very casual so I didn't haul him out by the ear for breaking dress code but it got me thinking; it takes a certain type of man to wear slippers out in public.

He was very confident in his fleecy blue slippers. Not just anyone can pull that off.

Generally, if I see someone walking around in slippers I think they're not of the most stable mental state.

But not this man, he had all of his wits about him.

The slippers did coordinate nicely with his navy sweatpants, so clearly, the man is no fool.

I'm willing to bet he is quite the hell-raiser when chilling at the Elks with his boys and no one would dare question his comfy, cozy choice of footwear.

man i love these slippers by thefleeg

5 Random Things

2009-10-06T01:21:00.004-04:00

Five of the most random things people have said to me:

"Excuse me. My friend and I have a bet-- we were wondering what nationality you are."
Mind you, I'm a mutt of every non-distinctive nationality you can fathom.

"Do you happen to have an older brother? You look exactly like this guy I used to work with."
Cue up It's A Small World because I'd never seen this guy before but he did work with my brother at some point. That didn't make it any less creepy for me.

"Hey! I'm in therapy now!"
How do you respond to an outburst like that!? Hooray for progress Sleazy-Older-Gentleman!
"Ummmmm...Did you already throw away my chapstick!?"
If it's on the table after a customer walks out the door I assume they didn't want it. The guy still wanted it, even after I dug it out of the garbage. It was in the garbage and he put it on his lips.

"...And the kid drowned in his own vomit."

This was preceded by a local urban legend about a football game gone awry. I thought he was going to leave the story at "He ate too much and got hit. You know..." Nope!

Picture 1- ? by Oberazzi
Picture 2- it's a small world by rachel a.k.
Picture 3- Sand in the Chapstick by mayhem

Oh the kids

2009-10-05T12:00:00.011-04:00

I don't have anything against children.

Generally speaking.

However, my boss had a good point when she told me waitressing has a way of making you never want children.

Most of the time, I enjoy seeing kids come in. I've worked in the same place for awhile so I've gotten to see kids grow up which is really cool.

I forget kids grow and aren't stuck in some Peter Panish, eternal infancy. When a family comes in I haven't seen in awhile, I do a double take and resist the urge to say, "Oh my God! She/he got so big!" while holding back the water works.

Then there are the demonic little kids that make me want to curl up under the counter as soon as I see them scamper out of the family SUV.

It's not the kids themselves that make me want to bend the no-alcohol-on-the-job policy as much as their parents.

When parents attempt to control their kids I have a very high tolerance for screaming and the occasional air-born french fry. I get that kids have a mind of their own. On a recent lunch outing with my sister, my nephew grabbed the waitress in a way that would be a misdemeanor if he were much older.

My sister was mortified, as was the waitress, but there's not much you can do to dissuade a two year old from acting on his impulses. Luckily the waitress had a sense of humor about it.

However, when parents watch adoringly as their kid runs around, screams, bothers customers and throws things on the floor I have an issue.

As adorable as kids are, they need to learn from an early age what's acceptable behavior and what makes the vein in Mommy or Daddy's forehead start throbbing.

Dealing with kids is part of my job so I can handle it.

But for the sake of other customers parents really need to step up and discipline their child. I feel awful when people ask to be moved away from the rambunctious kid whose parents are obliviously chatting away.

It's an odd thing to have to apologize for a stranger's awful parenting skills.

Picture 1- determination by jspace3
Picture 2- Imps by Richardzinho

Accessories For Your Dreams

2009-10-05T12:00:00.009-04:00

Waitressing is a job, not a career, according to the smorgasbord of products declaring their owners "not waitresses."

There's shirts, nail polishes and even a laptop to show the world you're only waiting tables until your real life starts.

My favorite "I'm only here until something better comes along" products are these rings by Kathryn Riechert:

Kathryn says she originally made these to remind herself what she really was while serving customers and gave them to someone to wear after she become a real, honest to god, paying-the-bills artist.

Waitressing Good Cure for Glossophobia

2009-09-29T14:47:00.003-04:00

Most of the links I found for my gaggle-of-links post were pro-waitress.

This surprised me.

I expected to find news stories and blogs with people complaining about their service at a restaurant or customers being served up a plate of steaming broccoli complete with a disembodied reptile head.

Instead, I found a lovely interview with Rosemary, who has been waitressing since the Beatles were not only all alive but young and riot-worthy.

Rosemary says, "I grew up very, very shy, and [serving] kind of brought out an inner part of me."

After reading Rosemary's account of how waitressing changed her, I felt Rosemary and I were BFFs.

And, thus, Rosemary is my muse for this post.

When I began waitressing, I was forced to change and, horror of all horrors, develop a personality.

In my pre-waitressing days, I was terrified by having to be around a lot of people. The thought of having to speak to people I didn't know was enough to send me into full panic mode.

My first few weeks of waiting tables weren't exactly a glorious success.

I've blocked out many of my early days, partially because I have a god-awful memory and partially because I was a god-awful waitress.

I realized if I wanted customers to keep coming back, and handing me money, I shouldn't be terrified to talk to them.

Five years later, I've noticed I have a waitressing alter-ego: when I'm out and about I'm still very shy but when I'm at work, I am much more outgoing and talkative.

If I see a regular customer in the grocery store, I tend to snap effortlessly into my waitressing persona. I become all smiles and chatty, even if I wasn't so happy before seeing them.

Links Jennifer Aniston Dreams Of

2009-09-28T11:15:00.004-04:00

Rosemary Koeppel and LaVonne Leitheiser both made headlines for waitressing for 45 years. Koeppel says that the best day of her life was when she began waitressing, which doesn't say much for her wedding day. Oddly, both interviews spent a good amount of time on the women's choices of footwear.

Stephanie del Rosso writes an amusing essay about her summer job. The "the 4'6" legal dwarf " and Matt the tattooed, hopeless romantic make the story. I give her bonus points for identifying "fucking" as a present participle in the opening lines. And people think waitresses are dumb.

Craig Wilson reflects on having been a regular at Lou's Luncheonette and Amy, the waitress he describes as, "seeing herself as the director, pen in hand, putting on a show." Wilson says he could never wait tables but admires the way servers develop a comradery with their customers. Heartwarming, Wilson, heartwarming.

Eileen Cook blogs about a not-so-bright, modelesque waitress.

Despite her fame and fortune Amy Poehler dreams of waiting tables.

As does Jennifer Aniston. Way to set those standards high, girls.

Awful Service Pays the Bills

2009-09-27T14:02:00.004-04:00

We've all had days when we'd like to tell someone off at work. In "The World's Rudest Restaurants" Peter Jon Lindberg gives food servers an excuse to do just that.

Lindberg says being treated badly by your waitress is a sign of being in a good, authentic restaurant.

Anya Von Bremzen, a women with an important sounding name who writes about travel and leisure says "rudeness equals authenticity...excessive politesse is considered suspicious."

Von Bremzen makes a good point: a restaurant that offers bad food and bad service wouldn't last. A restaurant that offers bad service and has been around since the dawn of time likely has amazing food.

My own experience serving people supports Von Bremzen's theory. The nights I most want to bitch-slap customers are the nights I go home with the most money.

It's an anomaly I've yet to wrap my head around.

Maybe customers subscribe to the Von Bremzen school of thought: there is an inverse relationship between my patience and the quality of their food.

I don't work in fine-dining so I know I can't get away with telling customers to hurry-up and order every night. While I absolutely will whip out the Von Bremzen theory the next time my boss reminds me to smile at the customers, I don't think the theory should be a hard-and-fast waitressing rule.

Nobody wants to be treated like crap when they are paying for a service. I may be able to get away with having a god-awful night on occasion, but if I felt reason to treat the customers like lowly peasants every night, it would be time for a new job.

About This Blog

2004-08-15T16:35:00.011-04:00

During a trip to the career center, I was asked what job experience I had. When I told the woman I'd been waitressing for the past five years, she looked a bit disgusted and waited for me to continue.

She cut the growing awkward silence by saying something to the effect of, "Here's the thing, waitressing isn't a real job."

I resisted the urge to go ghetto and give her a "bitch, please" head swivel: I've learned more about life and people my time waiting on tables than I could have working in an office.

Being a waitress requires a lot more than writing down orders and carrying food. You develop an oddly close relationship with customers, you have to be able to do ten things at once and keep track of what you've done. You have to smile and act like you care when you really want to scream.

Waitressing may not be the ideal work experience for a resume, but its given me a plethora of skills and stories I couldn't have compiled anywhere else.

I've worked at the same small-town restaurant for the past five years. My restaurant is unique in that its independently owned and not a chain restaurant and because of the wide variety of customers that come in.

The customers who've migrated up from the city describe the restaurant as "quaint" and marvel at the homemade desserts and cheap prices. Some local customers consider it fine-dining and come in their newest sweats and slippers.

My experience with waitressing is probably a lot different than the typical waitress who works for a chain restaurant. I've developed a very good relationship with my bosses and can get away with more than I should be able to. However, I also get additional responsibilities thrown at me that other waitresses might not have to deal with, liking making desserts at home on the week-ends that the bosses are away and getting texts from the ice cream girls in the summer who've decided at the last minute they're not coming to work.

Christopher's "Best. Apple Pie. Ever." by ilmungo
Header image from Seattle Muncipal Archives.